Top 10 signs you have #Aspergers

Giant Purple Planet Debbie Denenburg
Giant Purple Planet Debbie Denenburg

a humorous look at Aspergers

by Englebert Lau

What are the top 10 signs you have Asperger’s Syndrome?

01.) You have inflexible routines

Girl: “Let’s go watch a movie tonight.”
Guy: “I can’t, I have to play hockey.”
Girl: “You play hockey every Friday night. Why can’t you change your routine?”
Guy: “Good habits are important. Do you know what happens if I skip hockey to watch a movie tonight? Next week, I’ll skip hockey because you want to go shopping. The week after that, I’ll have to skip hockey because you want to paint pottery. After years of no exercise, I’ll die early and overweight. Is that what you want?”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re crazy.”

02.) You have trouble displaying emotion

[Emotion #1: happy] Girl: “Oh my god, you just won the lotto. Why don’t you look happy?”
Guy: “I am happy. I can pay off my mortgage faster. Look, I’m smiling. Doesn’t that mean I’m happy?”

[Emotion #2: sad] Girl: “I’m sorry to hear that Calgary lost to Toronto. Are you okay?”
Guy: “I’m sad. Look, I’m not smiling. Doesn’t that prove I’m sad?”

[Emotion #3: angry] Girl: “I’m so sorry that I broke your Batman DVD.”
Guy: “I’m angry. Do I need to snap one of your shoes in half to prove that I’m upset?”

03.) You have trouble figuring what is appropriate in social situations

Guy: [Gives flimsy hug] Girl: “Why is your hug so weak? Are you afraid of women?”
Guy: [Gives firm hug] Girl: “Why are you squeezing me so tightly? Stop choking me, you weirdo!”

04.) You lack empathy

Girl: [Crying] Guy: “What’s wrong?”
Girl: “My boyfriend just dumped me.”
Guy: “Would you like a Kleenex?”
Girl: “What’s wrong with you? Haven’t you ever loved someone for years, then watched them walk away and then rip out your heart? Why can’t you show any emotion?”
Guy: “But I’m having a good day. The Calgary Flames won the hockey game. Why do I have to pretend that I’m sad just to make you feel better?”

05.) You know way too much information about a single topic

Girl: “What’s the name of the girl who plays Daenerys on Game of Thrones?”
Guy: “Emilia Clarke.”
Girl: “How old is she?”
Guy: “She’s 28, born on May 1st, 1987.”
Girl: “Who is she going out with?”
Guy: “She broke up with Seth MacFarlane in March 2013.”
Girl: “Why do you know this stuff?

06.) You have trouble figuring out when to lie

Girl: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Guy: “Yes.”
Girl: “What the hell is wrong with you?” [Throws shoe at guy] Guy: “Do you want me to lie, or tell the truth? It’s one or the other. You can’t have both!”

07.) You have trouble describing basic emotions

Girl: “So how would you describe yourself when you’re angry?”
Guy: “I change the pitch of my voice. People who yell are usually upset.”
Girl: “But at a hockey game, if the Flames score a goal, people yell because they’re happy.”
Guy: “Emotions are unreliable. Why do you always ask how I feel? Why can’t you focus on reliable information, like facts?”
Girl: “You’re weird. You’re an emotionless robot.”

08.) You care way too much about organizing stuff

Girl: [Puts DVD back on shelf] Guy: “What the hell are you doing?”
Girl: “I’m putting your Batman Blu-Ray back on your shelf. What’s your problem?”
Guy: “Did you go to kindergarten? Alphabetical order is “A”, then “B”, then “C”. You almost put Batman on my shelf after Community. Good lord. How can I find a DVD when you’re messing up my stuff?”
Girl: “Dude, relax. It’s just a Blu-Ray. It’s no big deal.”
Guy: “Sure. Just like the alphabet and kindergarten are no big deal. Without kindergarten, we wouldn’t be able to have this conversation!”

09.) You have trouble understanding other people’s emotions

Girl: “Wasn’t Romeo and Juliet the best story every written? Didn’t the story make you feel really sad?”
Guy: “I didn’t feel anything. All I learned from Romeo and Juliet is that it’s important to develop technology.”
Girl: “What’s wrong with you? Romeo and Juliet both gave up their lives because they were in love. They made the ultimate sacrifice for each other!”
Guy: “Can you imagine if they lived in 2015? All they had to do was send each other one lousy text message. Bam! Problem solved. No one had to die.”
Girl: “Oh my god. You’re an emotionless robot who doesn’t understand romance.”
Guy: “Hey, it’s not my fault that they didn’t invent cell phones in the Middle Ages.”

10.) You need other people to provide clear schedules and expectations

Girl: “We should hang out some time.”
Guy: “What does that mean? What day do you want to hang out? How long do you want to hang out? What do you want to do? Can you be more specific? What does hanging out mean? Does that mean doing something that you want to do? Do I have to hang out with new people, which will cause me to analyze what is acceptable social behaviour, which changes from one person to the next person? Why can’t you define anything clearly?”
Girl: [Sighs]

****

Englebert

Englebert Lau was diagnosed with a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 30. The majority of Englebert’s professional career has been working in Information Technology as a Business Analyst. Englebert created http://www.hitchhikeraspie.com. The purpose of this website is to share a light hearted perspective on Asperger’s Syndrome. Englebert would like to increase exposure about Asperger’s Syndrome for a wide range of people, by providing examples of how it affects his everyday life. Englebert loves TV series and movies, especially the HBO Game of Thrones series.

Artwork: Debbie Denenburg – Giant Purple Planet

The Art of Autism realizes many people come to this page with the questions Do I have Autism or Do I have Aspergers. We recommend diagnosis by a professional. Here is an online test for autism.

See also: Top Ten Signs a Girl is Bored by Englebert Lau

Females and Aspergers: A Checklist by Samantha Craft

37 Comments

  • Cheri Rauser says:

    Oh my – my laugh for this morning. Forwarding it to my daughter who will just love it. Wwitch up the boy/girl roles for an even bigger laugh. Imagine being an attractive 19 year old woman who would say exactly what the guy says in this piece. Too too funny. Thanks so much.

  • Otto Hunt says:

    Those on the spectrum do absolutely have empathy (except those who also happen to be psychopaths). They just have trouble showing it. I know: I am on the spectrum.

    • Lloyd says:

      I agree they have a lot of empathy. I didn’t show it much in my younger days. When my marriage broke up I think was the turning point. I show and feel a lot of emotion now, I can take on other peoples pain.

      • Sydney Australia says:

        We go round and round with the ‘do/don’t have empathy’ talk, every time someone brings it up. But whatever word you use there needs to be a way to describe an unusual lacuna:

        My personal experience is that there are many times in my life I felt nothing while others had some standard deep emotional reaction to say, witnessing a death. I get upset about missing a routine. I feel compassion for others and want to help them, because that’s how I was raised. But if they die, I have no feeling at all except curiosity.

        My own death scares me because it is unscheduled and out of my control. And I don’t like pain. Logically I can see others also don’t like pain, and it’s a good thing to help them avoid it. If they can’t avoid it I can teach mindful coping, which I also practice.

        But to me people are like animals in a zoo, there I said it. Facsinating, annoying, subjects to study and help. I would help and animal or a person, the difference is not very clear. One of my autist friends was a med doctor who died saving his rescued animals in a fire. He was also seen as a great doctor who fought for his patients. But he privately told me he saw no great difference between helping people or animals, and now he died for that belief. Who is crazy, him or the ‘normal’ people? But there is certainly a difference. Call it lacl of ’empathy’ or whatever.

        • Sydney Australia says:

          If that sounds like I’m in a good place, then it’s false. I struggle to get through each day. Just writing this helps me get through my demons. I miss my friend. I realise it was autism drew me to him, a kindred soul. We obsessed together, and laughed at everything. But he was crazy and I could not live with him eventually. He brought homeless people to sleep in our shared flat, obsessively bringing home strays. I eventually had enough of the surprises. We met at meditation groups, it helped cope with constant anxiety. Nobody knows, nobody knows. As Rutger Hauer says at the end of Blade Runner, ‘I have seen things you would not believe’. A face totally dissolve with leprosy over a period of months, the bearer standing on a street corner in old Calcutta begging with arms outstretched, nobody stopping. Kismet.

  • Bernie Sanders 2016 says:

    OMG that is so true. I am a woman with aspergers. I am continually perplexed by ambiguity. For instance, the entire legal system. The games lawyers play. The charades. The theatrics. The lies. It’s very odd to me. Or at least it was, until I learned how they operate. Then, being a person with Aspergers is an asset, because once you learn how these other people operate, you can beat them at everything. We are their worst nightmare. And the best lawyers and advocates you could ever want.

  • I like the person who called themself Bernie Sanders says:

    A few questions. Actually, one question. Why is the girl so dramatic? Some of those reactions are waaaaaay over the top.
    I can relate to some of these, particularly #1, but looking around my house, nope at organization (I DO know I have ADD) and sometimes show too much emotion and overshare, which is a social problem but a very different one.
    Ehhh.

    • The 573,428th Kevin Davis says:

      I relate to a lot of them, too. Not that intensely, all of the time. Like yourself, I share a lot, but I don’t know what social problem that is; I thought it was just being an honest person.

  • Speedy says:

    Dude Do I have it?No Really
    The only signs that I have are
    1- You have inflexible routines
    3-You have trouble figuring what is appropriate in social situations (Sometimes not most times)
    5-You know way too much information about a single topic (Not everything for example Daenerys I only know the actress emila clark but I don’t know her age or about her ex)

  • I am a guy with Asperger's, honestly says:

    I TOTALLY have # 5 and # 8. I also have # 6, but not to the degree it was depicted here. The rest of these I either used to have or never had.

  • Cory says:

    These are all social traits that anyone can have. Simply believing you might have autism can produce The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon where now you know what to look for you start to see it everywhere. It’s obvious if you need someone to follow a certain social map like you describe the girl needing, it could be her that has the problem.

  • DWTHIAABSHDCHDDIY or Dude who thinks he is an Autistic but seriously have doubts cause he didn't diagnose it... yet. says:

    I have atleast 4 of these.
    Number 10.

    I do need the Schedule but not expectations, I just make my own expectations up like some normal people do.
    I do need the Schedule because I don’t write it down ASAP. So I ask for it to some people sometimes cause I really, and I mean really, need ’em. That’s what you get for not taking notes, dummy.

    Maybe Number 8.

    I’m not organized but I still organize where they go in categories… but I don’t organize them while they are IN those categories.
    I’m just lazy but sometimes just like to know where it is.
    And I only am organized in some Video Games.

    Number 6.

    Why is it hard to know what to lie and that.
    I just like being honest!
    Even if they think I’l lying about how my Classmates saying I’m the worst one in our class even though technically they are WAY more destructive than I am, and I’m not exaggerating much

    Number 5.

    I just get to hitch over a single topic I found cool!
    Like I’d literally research about it alot!

    Number 3.

    Dude, I’m sheltered… I dont go out that much. I’d rather type stuff about how I relate to these even if it is just a waste of time.

    So yeah… I possibly have autism.
    Luckily I think my friend displays the other half, whatever I dont have, HE has.
    Especially 9 and 4. Because he sometimes just randomly hit people he knows.

    And he hates kid like ALOT. So he tend to use the random Karate Moves that he does to me to the kids.
    Which leads to some injuries for the kids.
    Seriously what’s wrong with him?

    Anyways I’m rambling and showing that I relate strongly to number 3 alot.

    Or it could be the Search Results Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon that Cory said, cause if I read it correctly. That means that I could just be different to my Classmates?

    Cause of course, my classmates doesn’t understand this Language I’m speaking, so they just think me of different to them. So I am just technically different to THEM but not different to the others. And why?

    To them I am different.
    But to myself I know alot that could either save their lives or not
    (Obviously this is exaggerated but that still means I know alot.)

    (Hint: I speak in English and my classmates are Filipinos.)

    Thing is… I kinda agree with ’em.

    Even in social behaviours I can’t do that. I kinda am like a pessimist in the Internet, I just think from what I learned like above.
    I just do things from what I believe, hence number 3.
    I do not know really, I just learn what I know and then go on with it sometimes. So yeah…

    So please tell me if there is a way!

    I confirmed that I’m no premature kid. I was born 9 months like a normal kid, I was actually better when I was a kid than now.
    And I confirmed that I am smart too. With an IQ of over 130 in an IQ test in the internet.
    I really need your help.

    Give me the most elaborate and shortest answer you can cause I might just insert a “tl;dr” on it that I seriously don’t want to do but it’s a habit.

    I’m turning 15 and I really want to know before than.

  • John F. says:

    I feel like i’m from another planet. Does that make me an asperger?

  • AK says:

    Why is this split “Guy/Girl”?

    There are many, many men without ASD. There are also many women with ASD.

  • Cory says:

    I’m starting to come to the conclusion that I may have Aspergers. I took the AQ, EQ, and Ritvo (RAADS-R). I’m going to omit the numbers but the AQ was within the range. The EQ and RAADS-R were well past the range of the average person with Aspergers. Here are some of the traits I observed that lead me to suspect Aspergers:
    I can’t/don’t interact with most people “normally”.
    My theory of mind has always been off and consequently I find it very hard to gauge social situations (don’t know when I’ve offended someone, or when someone is interested in me, etc.).
    Relationships can be very confusing to me because I don’t easily pick up on social cues.
    I used to copy the way other people talked or acted to try and fit in.
    I enjoy being alone, but I’ve always had a few close friends I could relate to.
    I can only wear clothes that are soft or have the right texture against my skin.
    I was always an overachiever in school. I have two college degrees (and everything but a Masters).
    I have always had a proficiency with math.
    I was a bit of a natural the first time I picked up a musical instrument.
    I like having a strict daily routine.
    I frequently dream vividly.
    I have “tics” or repeated behaviors that I do without knowing I’m doing them.
    I have a large vocabulary and I tend to know multiple meanings for the same word.

  • ERROR!CODE says:

    no one cares about reasons people act a certain way, they just show aggression and hostility regardless of knowing

  • Ronald S says:

    I have all but #8.

  • hello says:

    I have 8 out of the 10 signs and I think that I have autism.

  • Cortland Richmond says:

    I SUSPECTED Asperger’s as long ago as 2000, but it wasn’t until 2011 that I noticed a memory problem at work and t a neurologist pinned down my problem; the good news, she said, was that it wasn’t Alzheimer’s – it was High Functioning Autism.

    Never mind that the current diagnostic procedures would require observation of early childhood speech patterns; I’ll call it Asperger’s anyway.

    The stereotypes for young people may not apply so much as we get older, and I was diagnosed when I was 67. Indeed, events along life’s pathway have considerably reduced the stereotypical behavior attributed to those of us “on the spectrum”, and discovering love at age 52 opened a whole new window on life, one I had not been aware existed.

    With age, too, comes the ability to indulge in or refrain from the inveterate and sometimes involuntarily issued puns and non-sequiturs an Aspie might inflict on coworkers and acquaintances. I do it on purpose, now.

    “Do you want your water in a bag?”
    “No! Leave it in the bottle – the bags leak!”

    If I live another 72 years, I may learn how to act like a human. If I want to

  • Jacob says:

    Im a 36 yr old male that has autism. I have never been diagnosed. I was born before we knew about this form of autism. I live a semi normal life that is lonely. The movie “The accountant” is a little like me except my skill is time/space more specifically gravity. Since there was no training when i was a child i had to adapt to this world. Upside i can now explain how everything from sub atomic particles to how a einstein rosenbridge “wormhole” is made. Children like us will shape the world one day. Its taken me a life time to understand why im different. Thank you for helping others like me. My only concern is children like us know to much.

  • The post is meant to be humorous, honestly when people confuse you or you struggle to relate to mindless banter it is easier to cope by letting give you a chuckle than exhaust you to tears.

  • B.S. says:

    What a load of bullshit.

    A lot of these are simple ADD and anxiety symptoms… not autism symptoms.

  • Spooderman says:

    wtf is with batman

  • Kathmeeje says:

    I go back and forth as to whether I have Asperger’s, but I have issue with #6. You should never lie to people just to make them feel better, because they’re working with false information. I wouldn’t straight up say “yes”, but I’d probably tell them “That’s not a flattering dress”. I mean if a dress makes a woman look like a beached whale, telling her she looks great isn’t going to change how that dress makes her look, I think it’s kinder to tell her if a dress is flattering or not, so that she can work on that information. Maybe that is an aspie trait, but I just think that’s not a logical way to be.

  • Hibachi Tanners says:

    I’m not sure what I have, and I’ve always had it, but of late my parents have been really wondering if they should take me to a psychologist. This is a big deal, because my mother, a woman who has little room for accepting the modern age of diagnosis and treatment and prefers to take a more religious route. I have trouble coping and at times immersing myself in the things that my peers take intrest in, such as school dances. These functions are loud and bright often overwhelming me so much that I am forced to crouch behind the folded lunch tables. This is one of many examples of meltdowns that I am subject to. Though I don’t remember many of them I have been informed that I have had them throughout my childhood, and that it is “not normal”. What has caused this? At school I am seen as emotionless and sometimes to filled with emotion, when I break down in tears. I only feel truly comfortable when in math and science. For me, english class is one of the worst things to endure. I am aked to find meanings that are not written down, and once had a breakdown when reading a poem. What is it that makes me this way?

    no.2: I have such a hard time displaying emotion at the appropriate times and everybody is always asking why I’m so emotionless or if I’m “okay”. The last thing annoys me the most because usually there is nothing to be specifically happy about at that moment and maybe that’s okay.

    no. 3: This example is the best for me because, personally, I have never been able to figure out how to hug people. I understand that for some a hug is an offering of emotional support. But for me that is a hard thing to offer up as I myself feel uncomfortable while trying to give someone a hug because I dislike touching others and try to avoid it as much as possible.

    no.4: I have actually lost many friends, because of my lack of empathy and have a hard time connecting on an emotional level with friends

    no.5: I have some interests in which I have made it my mission to become very knowledgeble in. This usually just scares others so I keep it to myself.

    no.6: I can’t lie. Even if the person looks shocked by what they heard I usually feel unaffected, does this make me evil?

    no.8: I cannot stand when order anywhere in my house is disturbed and the flow disrupted.

    no.9: The scenero at hand is pretty much how my classmates react to me. I have been called an “emotionless robot” before.

    So, do I have Aspergers?

  • Hibachi Tanners says:

    A suprising amount of this is true to me, which makes me wonder…
    no. 3: This example is the best for me because, personally, I have never been able to figure out how to hug people. I understand that for some a hug is an offering of emotional support. But for me that is a hard thing to offer up as I myself feel uncomfortable while trying to give someone a hug because I dislike touching others and try to avoid it as much as possible.

    no.4: I have actually lost many friends, because of my lack of empathy and have a hard time connecting on an emotional level with friends

    no.5: I have some interests in which I have made it my mission to become very knowledgeble in. This usually just scares others so I keep it to myself.

    no.6: I can’t lie. Even if the person looks shocked by what they heard I usually feel unaffected, does this make me evil?

    no.8: I cannot stand when order anywhere in my house is disturbed and the flow disrupted.

    no.9: The scenero at hand is pretty much how my classmates react to me. I have been called an “emotionless robot” before.

    I’m also higher functioning in school than the vast majority of my classmates. I love math and science, but english just confuses me. I was once asked to explain a poems “inner meaning”. I also have had many meltdowns throughout my life and they are often triggered by too much noise. Has anybody else had situations like these?

  • Amelie Frank says:

    The lack of empathy is not a symptom of Asperger’s. We experience empathy differently and in a way that cuts deeply, but we do not lack it by any means.

  • LEO says:

    I can smell the sexism from here 🙁

  • alberto mihov says:

    9/10 is that bad?

  • Rashard says:

    I have everything here except for knowing too much about one subject. I practically forget everything I’ve watched or learnt. And I am nowhere near organized.

  • Tokai says:

    No wonder people want to cure you all.

  • Kim says:

    “I can smell the sexism from here” – I like that comment because why? Because it’s so fucking true!!! I think most men have aspergers syndrom and most of us women in relationships with you suffer a great deal. Some of you men on the spectrum scale – I think that means borderline-ish, I feel would be able to make a relationship work. Also, because you are aware of your shortfalls and not all of them are a huge problem. However, when you are unable to make physical contact with a person by way of a simple hug then of course that is going to be a problem in any relationship. If you can’t hug how are you going to be intimate? It is sad but some of you need to never be in a relationship as you will only cause serious emotional pain to the other person as you are incapable of making the other person happy other than entertaining how you yourself feel. Others will make an effort to understand even if they don’t and try to appease the person’s pain somehow. I feel a man with less emotion is going to be more difficult to a woman that say a woman with less or little emotions to a man. I know it’s not your fault but it’s not normal people faulty either “that sounds a little asbergers – actually it doesn’t, it’s very normal”. Best of luck to you all.

  • Brayden Chambers says:

    My name is brayden chambers please cure my autism

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