Top 10 Signs I Have Autism / Asperger’s Syndrome

Proper Hug Length

A humorous look at autism.

By Englebert Lau

1.) Repetitive habits that only make sense to you

Girl: “That’s weird.”
Guy: “What’s weird?”
Girl: “You always eat food in the same order. Steak, then potatoes, then vegetables.”
Guy: “That makes perfect sense. You have to eat steak when it’s warm. Potatoes are okay when they’re warm. Vegetables are okay if they’re hot or cold. This is the order that makes the most sense.”
Girl: “Sure. That makes it less weird.”

2.) Overthinking common social etiquette

[Guy gives quick hug for 1 second] Girl: “Are you afraid of me? Give me a real hug!”

[Guy gives hug that’s too long for 5 seconds] Girl: “You can let go now.”

3.) Difficulty with empathy

Guy: “What’s wrong?”
Girl: “I just got fired.”

[Guy hands girl Kleenex] Guy: “Kleenex?”
Girl: “Sigh. Aren’t you sad for me at all?”
[Guy looks confused]

4.) Obsessive with certain topics

[Guy and girl watching Game of Thrones] Girl: “Who is that?”
Guy: “That’s Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the first of her name, the unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons. The actress who plays her is Emilia Clarke. She was born on October 23rd, 1986. She used to go out with Seth MacFarlane, but they broke up after 6 months in 2012.”
Girl: “Why do you know that?”
[Guy shrugs]



5.) Needing unusual clarity on trivial matters

Girl: “We should hang out again sometime.”

[Guy thinks about the following: What does that mean? What day do you want to hang out? How long do you want to hang out? What do you want to do? Can you be more specific? What does hang out mean? Does that mean doing something that you want to do? Do I have to hang out with new people, which will cause me to analyze what is acceptable sociable behavior, which changes from one person to the next? Why can’t you ever define anything clearly?”]

Guy: “Sounds good, I’ll send you a text.”

6.) Awkward social interactions

Guy #1: “How’s your food?”
Guy #2: “The food here is actually terrible. I just come here because the waitress is hot.”
Girl: “How’s everything?”
Guy #1: “The food here is terrible. We only came here because he thinks you’re hot.”
[Awkward silence]

7.) Prefer strict routines

Girl: “We should go see a movie tonight.”
Guy: “I can’t, I have to go running.”
Girl: “You go running every Friday night. You should switch it up.”
Guy: “Good habits are important. Do you know what happens if I skip running to watch a movie tonight? Next week, I’ll skip running because you want to go shopping. The week after that, I’ll skip running because you want to paint pottery. After years of no exercise, I’ll die early and overweight. Is that what you want?”
Girl: [Sigh]

8.) Problems communicating feelings

Girl: “You won the lotto!”
Guy: “Hmm.”

Girl: “Your dog just died.”
Guy: “Hmm.”

Girl: “Game of Thrones is being bought out by Disney and they’re replacing Kit Harrington with Nicolas Cage and George Lucas is going to direct all of the remaining episodes!”
[Guy struggles to process news] Guy: “Damn it!”

9. Frustration with changes in patterns

[Girl puts Blu-Ray on shelf] Guy: “What the hell are you doing?”
Girl: “Putting your Batman Blu-Ray back on the shelf. What’s your problem?”
Guy: “It’s a, then b, then c. Did you go to kindergarten? How am I supposed to find anything if you’re messing everything up?”
Girl: “It’s not a big deal.”
Guy: “Oh sure, like the alphabet isn’t a big deal. Without the alphabet, we couldn’t have this conversation.”
Girl: [Sigh]

10. Inability to understand emotional issues

[The Notebook movie ends] Girl: “The Notebook is my favorite movie.”
Guy: “I don’t understand. Why didn’t he record himself telling the story over and over? If he did that, he could have used his time on more productive things.”
Girl: “He loved her so much. She just treated him like a complete stranger.”
Guy: “Imagine what he could have done with his time. He could have built houses and made an excellent profit.”
Girl: “Oh my god. You’re a robot.”
Guy: “Oh. Was this after the housing market crashed?”
Girl: [Sigh]

Englebert Lau

Englebert Lau was diagnosed with a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome. The majority of Englebert’s professional career has been working in Information Technology as a Business Analyst. Englebert created http://www.hitchhikeraspie.com. The purpose of this website is to share a light-hearted perspective on Asperger’s Syndrome. Englebert would like to increase exposure about Asperger’s Syndrome for a wide range of people, by providing examples of how it affects his everyday life. Englebert loves TV and sports, especially the Calgary Flames.

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