Top 10 signs you have #Aspergers

Giant Purple Planet Debbie Denenburg
Giant Purple Planet Debbie Denenburg

a humorous look at Aspergers

by Englebert Lau

What are the top 10 signs you have Asperger’s Syndrome?

01.) You have inflexible routines

Girl: “Let’s go watch a movie tonight.”
Guy: “I can’t, I have to play hockey.”
Girl: “You play hockey every Friday night. Why can’t you change your routine?”
Guy: “Good habits are important. Do you know what happens if I skip hockey to watch a movie tonight? Next week, I’ll skip hockey because you want to go shopping. The week after that, I’ll have to skip hockey because you want to paint pottery. After years of no exercise, I’ll die early and overweight. Is that what you want?”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re crazy.”

02.) You have trouble displaying emotion

[Emotion #1: happy] Girl: “Oh my god, you just won the lotto. Why don’t you look happy?”
Guy: “I am happy. I can pay off my mortgage faster. Look, I’m smiling. Doesn’t that mean I’m happy?”

[Emotion #2: sad] Girl: “I’m sorry to hear that Calgary lost to Toronto. Are you okay?”
Guy: “I’m sad. Look, I’m not smiling. Doesn’t that prove I’m sad?”

[Emotion #3: angry] Girl: “I’m so sorry that I broke your Batman DVD.”
Guy: “I’m angry. Do I need to snap one of your shoes in half to prove that I’m upset?”

03.) You have trouble figuring what is appropriate in social situations

Guy: [Gives flimsy hug] Girl: “Why is your hug so weak? Are you afraid of women?”
Guy: [Gives firm hug] Girl: “Why are you squeezing me so tightly? Stop choking me, you weirdo!”

04.) You lack empathy

Girl: [Crying] Guy: “What’s wrong?”
Girl: “My boyfriend just dumped me.”
Guy: “Would you like a Kleenex?”
Girl: “What’s wrong with you? Haven’t you ever loved someone for years, then watched them walk away and then rip out your heart? Why can’t you show any emotion?”
Guy: “But I’m having a good day. The Calgary Flames won the hockey game. Why do I have to pretend that I’m sad just to make you feel better?”

05.) You know way too much information about a single topic

Girl: “What’s the name of the girl who plays Daenerys on Game of Thrones?”
Guy: “Emilia Clarke.”
Girl: “How old is she?”
Guy: “She’s 28, born on May 1st, 1987.”
Girl: “Who is she going out with?”
Guy: “She broke up with Seth MacFarlane in March 2013.”
Girl: “Why do you know this stuff?

06.) You have trouble figuring out when to lie

Girl: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Guy: “Yes.”
Girl: “What the hell is wrong with you?” [Throws shoe at guy] Guy: “Do you want me to lie, or tell the truth? It’s one or the other. You can’t have both!”

07.) You have trouble describing basic emotions

Girl: “So how would you describe yourself when you’re angry?”
Guy: “I change the pitch of my voice. People who yell are usually upset.”
Girl: “But at a hockey game, if the Flames score a goal, people yell because they’re happy.”
Guy: “Emotions are unreliable. Why do you always ask how I feel? Why can’t you focus on reliable information, like facts?”
Girl: “You’re weird. You’re an emotionless robot.”

08.) You care way too much about organizing stuff

Girl: [Puts DVD back on shelf] Guy: “What the hell are you doing?”
Girl: “I’m putting your Batman Blu-Ray back on your shelf. What’s your problem?”
Guy: “Did you go to kindergarten? Alphabetical order is “A”, then “B”, then “C”. You almost put Batman on my shelf after Community. Good lord. How can I find a DVD when you’re messing up my stuff?”
Girl: “Dude, relax. It’s just a Blu-Ray. It’s no big deal.”
Guy: “Sure. Just like the alphabet and kindergarten are no big deal. Without kindergarten, we wouldn’t be able to have this conversation!”

09.) You have trouble understanding other people’s emotions

Girl: “Wasn’t Romeo and Juliet the best story every written? Didn’t the story make you feel really sad?”
Guy: “I didn’t feel anything. All I learned from Romeo and Juliet is that it’s important to develop technology.”
Girl: “What’s wrong with you? Romeo and Juliet both gave up their lives because they were in love. They made the ultimate sacrifice for each other!”
Guy: “Can you imagine if they lived in 2015? All they had to do was send each other one lousy text message. Bam! Problem solved. No one had to die.”
Girl: “Oh my god. You’re an emotionless robot who doesn’t understand romance.”
Guy: “Hey, it’s not my fault that they didn’t invent cell phones in the Middle Ages.”

10.) You need other people to provide clear schedules and expectations

Girl: “We should hang out some time.”
Guy: “What does that mean? What day do you want to hang out? How long do you want to hang out? What do you want to do? Can you be more specific? What does hanging out mean? Does that mean doing something that you want to do? Do I have to hang out with new people, which will cause me to analyze what is acceptable social behaviour, which changes from one person to the next person? Why can’t you define anything clearly?”
Girl: [Sighs]

****

Englebert

Englebert Lau was diagnosed with a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 30. The majority of Englebert’s professional career has been working in Information Technology as a Business Analyst. Englebert created http://www.hitchhikeraspie.com. The purpose of this website is to share a light hearted perspective on Asperger’s Syndrome. Englebert would like to increase exposure about Asperger’s Syndrome for a wide range of people, by providing examples of how it affects his everyday life. Englebert loves TV series and movies, especially the HBO Game of Thrones series.

Artwork: Debbie Denenburg – Giant Purple Planet

See also: Top Ten Signs a Girl is Bored by Englebert Lau

Females and Aspergers: A Checklist by Samantha Craft

10 Comments

  • Cheri Rauser says:

    Oh my – my laugh for this morning. Forwarding it to my daughter who will just love it. Wwitch up the boy/girl roles for an even bigger laugh. Imagine being an attractive 19 year old woman who would say exactly what the guy says in this piece. Too too funny. Thanks so much.

  • Otto Hunt says:

    Those on the spectrum do absolutely have empathy (except those who also happen to be psychopaths). They just have trouble showing it. I know: I am on the spectrum.

  • Bernie Sanders 2016 says:

    OMG that is so true. I am a woman with aspergers. I am continually perplexed by ambiguity. For instance, the entire legal system. The games lawyers play. The charades. The theatrics. The lies. It’s very odd to me. Or at least it was, until I learned how they operate. Then, being a person with Aspergers is an asset, because once you learn how these other people operate, you can beat them at everything. We are their worst nightmare. And the best lawyers and advocates you could ever want.

  • I like the person who called themself Bernie Sanders says:

    A few questions. Actually, one question. Why is the girl so dramatic? Some of those reactions are waaaaaay over the top.
    I can relate to some of these, particularly #1, but looking around my house, nope at organization (I DO know I have ADD) and sometimes show too much emotion and overshare, which is a social problem but a very different one.
    Ehhh.

  • Speedy says:

    Dude Do I have it?No Really
    The only signs that I have are
    1- You have inflexible routines
    3-You have trouble figuring what is appropriate in social situations (Sometimes not most times)
    5-You know way too much information about a single topic (Not everything for example Daenerys I only know the actress emila clark but I don’t know her age or about her ex)

  • I am a guy with Asperger's, honestly says:

    I TOTALLY have # 5 and # 8. I also have # 6, but not to the degree it was depicted here. The rest of these I either used to have or never had.

  • Cory says:

    These are all social traits that anyone can have. Simply believing you might have autism can produce The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon where now you know what to look for you start to see it everywhere. It’s obvious if you need someone to follow a certain social map like you describe the girl needing, it could be her that has the problem.

  • DWTHIAABSHDCHDDIY or Dude who thinks he is an Autistic but seriously have doubts cause he didn't diagnose it... yet. says:

    I have atleast 4 of these.
    Number 10.

    I do need the Schedule but not expectations, I just make my own expectations up like some normal people do.
    I do need the Schedule because I don’t write it down ASAP. So I ask for it to some people sometimes cause I really, and I mean really, need ’em. That’s what you get for not taking notes, dummy.

    Maybe Number 8.

    I’m not organized but I still organize where they go in categories… but I don’t organize them while they are IN those categories.
    I’m just lazy but sometimes just like to know where it is.
    And I only am organized in some Video Games.

    Number 6.

    Why is it hard to know what to lie and that.
    I just like being honest!
    Even if they think I’l lying about how my Classmates saying I’m the worst one in our class even though technically they are WAY more destructive than I am, and I’m not exaggerating much

    Number 5.

    I just get to hitch over a single topic I found cool!
    Like I’d literally research about it alot!

    Number 3.

    Dude, I’m sheltered… I dont go out that much. I’d rather type stuff about how I relate to these even if it is just a waste of time.

    So yeah… I possibly have autism.
    Luckily I think my friend displays the other half, whatever I dont have, HE has.
    Especially 9 and 4. Because he sometimes just randomly hit people he knows.

    And he hates kid like ALOT. So he tend to use the random Karate Moves that he does to me to the kids.
    Which leads to some injuries for the kids.
    Seriously what’s wrong with him?

    Anyways I’m rambling and showing that I relate strongly to number 3 alot.

    Or it could be the Search Results Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon that Cory said, cause if I read it correctly. That means that I could just be different to my Classmates?

    Cause of course, my classmates doesn’t understand this Language I’m speaking, so they just think me of different to them. So I am just technically different to THEM but not different to the others. And why?

    To them I am different.
    But to myself I know alot that could either save their lives or not
    (Obviously this is exaggerated but that still means I know alot.)

    (Hint: I speak in English and my classmates are Filipinos.)

    Thing is… I kinda agree with ’em.

    Even in social behaviours I can’t do that. I kinda am like a pessimist in the Internet, I just think from what I learned like above.
    I just do things from what I believe, hence number 3.
    I do not know really, I just learn what I know and then go on with it sometimes. So yeah…

    So please tell me if there is a way!

    I confirmed that I’m no premature kid. I was born 9 months like a normal kid, I was actually better when I was a kid than now.
    And I confirmed that I am smart too. With an IQ of over 130 in an IQ test in the internet.
    I really need your help.

    Give me the most elaborate and shortest answer you can cause I might just insert a “tl;dr” on it that I seriously don’t want to do but it’s a habit.

    I’m turning 15 and I really want to know before than.

  • John F. says:

    I feel like i’m from another planet. Does that make me an asperger?

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