No If’s or And’s, Just Butts and Boolean Bullies

Implications of the Conjunctive Behavioral © Model on Our Society Today

by Kurt Muzikar

I always thought inspiration descended on one from some unknown source in the sky. When I walked, I would look up to the heavens, and ask for guidance. It never occurred to me that I should be looking down to the ground.

February 14, 2015, was one of those ordinary days that started out no different from any other. I had an appointment in the morning with a friend at a local coffee shop and made the fortuitous decision to walk there, instead of driving.

As happenstance would have it, I ran into my friend Suzanne who got off of her bike to walk with me. Suzanne is a vibrant woman, fit and attractive, who takes her role as city council woman seriously.

As we proceeded down the street, I wondered why she was not looking at me as we talked; preferring instead to focus on the ground below. Then it became apparent. She was scanning the area for cigarette butts. She did not let one butt escape her attention. Our walk was not the fluid walk I was accustomed to, but a stuttered walk as she would stop, bend over her bike, pick up a butt, place it into her bare hand, walk a few more yards, pick another one up, and repeat the process until her hand was full of dirty cigarette butts. When we came to a trashcan, she emptied her hand and started again. She must have done this process two times, when I observed a man a block ahead taking the last drag off a ciggie, throwing it on the sidewalk, his right foot grinding it into the ground.

“Looks like you have a lifetime job,” I remarked, pointing at the man ahead, “there will always be butts.”

Suzanne smiled benignly and responded, “As a teen working at Foster’s Freeze, one of my tasks was to pick up cigarette butts in the parking lot. One day my Dad pulled over his car and asked me to empty his ashtray into the street. ‘No way,’ I told him, ‘I pick up butts for a living.’ It had been a mystery to me how ten or more butts could be found in one place.”

“I realized in that moment, it wasn’t one person smoking his head off, it was jerks, like my dad, who emptied their entire ashtray for someone like me to clean up. From then on I had butt consciousness.”

The walk and conversation with Suzanne gave me much to ponder. Soon thereafter, I had an epiphany; an aha moment. Cigarette butts are metaphors for a way of life! Then it hit me over the head: there are four types of people in the world – IF’s, AND’s, OR’s and BUTT’s. Not only did I have butt consciousness, I had IF AND OR BUTT consciousness! From then on, I spent my days developing a model, which I believe merits consideration. I coined it the Conjunctive Behavior © Model or CB © Model. It is based on a four-fold logic system which contains the conjuctions – IFs, ANDs, ORs & BUTTs.

In the CB © Model, IF people are idealists and optimistic. They are go-getters and committed to making a difference. A typical IF statement would be, “If we all picked up after ourselves, the world would be a better place.” They are the cigarette-butt-picker-uppers of the world. You can find IF people at city council meetings, organic farm stands, on bike paths, and at the recycling center. Their favorite holiday is Earth Day. They need to know their career has meaning. The professions they do well in are environmental consulting, community activist, motivational speaker and teacher. Their favorite food is anything organic bought locally from an independent farm. Their favorite thing to do is attend activities that make a difference, such as cleaning up after oil spills and hurricane disasters. IF’s either drive 1964 VW Bugs or eco-friendly cars such as a Toyota Prius. They have bumper stickers on the back of their cars that say “Be the Change.” My friend Suzanne is an IF person. Famous IF people are Ralph Nader, Martin Luther King Jr., Bernie Saunders and Luke Skywalker. IF people tend to join causes. They are in lots of Online groups that support causes. They usually are not on Facebook and prefer online groups such as Google+.

BUTT people are procrastinators and sit on their you-know-what’s a lot. They whine when they talk and are pessimists. They say things like “I would put my cigarette butt in the trash, but… I hurt my leg yesterday and can’t walk that far.” They have an excuse for all things and rarely get anything done. You can find BUTT people at DUI meetings, casinos, and Grateful Dead concerts. Their favorite holiday is the entire month of October – Octoberfest. They need lots of flexibility in their careers (if they have one). The careers they are attracted to are AM talk show radio host, socialite, or welfare recipient. Their favorite foods are pizza and beer. If they are wealthy BUTTs they drink bucketfuls of martinis. Their favorite activity is pushing the remote control button on their television; they also like text messaging. Rich BUTT’s like to drive big cars like Hummers. If they can’t afford a Hummer, they drive beat-up pickup trucks with a decal of a boy peeing in the back window. Famous BUTT people are Lindsey Lohan, Ozzy Osbourne, and Homer Simpson. BUTT people can be trolls and sometimes spend too much time and money on porn and gambling sites.

OR people can be one of two types. They can be ambivalent, and say things such as “I can pick up the cigarette butt or I can pretend it’s not there.” They can also be what I call Boolean Bullies. They use terms such as “You are with us or you are against us.” Famous OR people are George Constanza from Seinfeld, Donald Trump, Il Duce and George W. Bush.

Il Duce ""O con noi o contro di noi" Translation "You are either with us or against us"

Il Duce “”O con noi o contro di noi” Translation “You are either with us or against us”

ORs have lots of different options for careers. They can lead countries, organizations or they sometimes can fall into a quandary about what type of career they should pursue. The types of careers they should seek out are Fascist Dictator, policeman, or Football quarterback. ORs tend to drive American-made trucks that have slogans such as “Love it or Leave it.” Ors major downfall is they tend to be black and white thinkers, When they try to make others conform to their standards they run the risk of losing friends or countries who support them. Yet they can be charismatic and convincing. They tend to not have many FB friends because they are busy deleting people who don’t conform to their high standards. ORs are All American eaters and are fond of meat and potatoes.

AND people are the unifiers of the world. Somewhere between IF and BUTT, AND people seek always the Middle Path. They see the world as neither black nor white. Quantum logic exemplifies them. They try to unite the IFs and BUTTs and ORs of the world, saying such esoteric things as “There are no IFs ANDs ORs or BUTTs – we are all one.” You can see them at physics symposiums, Zen monasteries, university libraries, and at consciousness raising events. Their favorite holiday is Unity Day. They are synthesizers and work best in careers where we can bring disparate people or ideas together. The professions they do well in are diplomat, psychic, homeopathic doctor, physicist, and psychologist. They like foods that blend a variety of spices such as curried Indian food and Mexican moles. Their favorite activity is playing games that rely on cooperation such as bridge. They usually drive small economy cars that have bumper stickers that say “COEXIST” or “We are One.” AND people have lots of Facebook friends with lots of different ideas. Famous AND people are the Dalai Lama, Albert Einstein, Jimmy Carter and Mister Rogers.

In the CB © Model, it is important to know what type of person you are because certain combinations don’t communicate well and can create profound unhappiness. For example, if you are an IF person and are married to a BUTT, I guarantee you will not be happy. It applies to work situations as well. ANDs working for ORs and BUTTs creates an unhealthy work environment.  Unfortunately, there are lots of Boolean Bullies and BUTTs who become managers. An IF with a BUTT may create co-butt dependency. Two ANDs together may lose their identity. IFs & ANDs tend to be compatible. ANDs can’t stand the black and white thinking of ORs. Offspring of two BUTTs, may create a bigger BUTT and will benefit from early BUTT intervention programs.

What I have outlined is overly simplistic because in the CB © model most people are mixtures of the four types. It is rare to be a pure IF, AND OR BUTT. For example, you can be a BUTT-AND or an AND-IF or even a BUTT-IF-OR combination.  AND-OR is nonexistent. Exploring all permutations at this time is unnecessary. The bottom line is, the Conjunctive Behavioral © Model warrants funding for additional research. It appears we are in fact a community of IFs, ANDs, ORs and BUTTs and we are out of balance; we are a society dominated by Boolean Bullies and BUTTs and we are in danger! Disaster for our entire species hangs in the balance! Soon our environment will be filled with cigarette butts and not enough IFs to pick them up.

I’m looking for grant funding to avert disaster! If you know where I can get funding for this project or would like to donate money, please email or phone me today or visit my website


Kurt Muzikar received a degree in Nuclear Physics in 1979. He never worked in the field because he went to school to learn not to get a job. Kurt is writing his biography From Bozo to Bosons. In his spare time, Kurt likes to work on new models for thinking and living.

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