By Austin John Jones
Over the past couple years, I have thought a lot about how bored I get. I have several hobbies: video games, art, costume design, Magic the Gathering, unicycling, chinese Yo-Yo, and regardless of all these things I like to do in my spare time, I have noticed as I am getting older that these things have become boring as I keep on doing them; but I still do them.
It’s actually kind of sad to me that I keep doing them. I am literally killing time, but for what purpose? For what reason? Because I can? Because I don’t want to be doing nothing? Because I don’t know how to start doing something different or decide what that something different is?
I have two jobs. I try to work hard, and I try to make money to take care of myself. My dad tells me that a lot of people with a disability like mine aren’t able to work; but I want to keep trying to work. But after the work is done, what else is there to do? I used to love video games. And I still play them. But my enjoyment for them has withered. I think I keep playing them because of addiction and boredom. So why am I bored? I think it’s because I want more for my life but I’m not sure how to get it. Even the things I love doing sometimes don’t add up to making me feel good about my life.
I am an artist. My whole life I have trained to be an artist. And I have done great and wonderful things as an artist. But sometimes, I just feel like I am tired of it. Like it doesn’t matter to me anymore. But I keep doing it because it’s what I am good at. It’s one of the only true natural talents I have. I’ve thought a lot about how I might use my art to help me get the things I want in life, but I can’t seem to figure out how.
I used to really enjoy playing Magic the Gathering with my friends. But now I just feel…like it’s a time waster. Like it has no entertainment value. I am noticing this pattern I keep going through. It’s difficult when I want to keep living life and being happy, but when the things that used to make me happy don’t actually make me feel happy anymore. I feel like I need to find the purpose behind why I do things and maybe that will help, but I don’t know how to do that.
At this point in my life, I feel like I should be saving money so I can eventually get married, raise a family, and continue being a successful artist. It just feels so difficult sometimes. I do want to do these things. I want to feel happy and I want to be proud of my life. But I can’t seem to do what I see other people doing. My brother has a nice girlfriend, but I can’t seem to find someone. I have friends who are married, but I can’t believe I will ever get the chance. I honestly don’t feel like I will ever be genuinely happy because I don’t think I will ever get married or have children or be successful as an artist. I don’t know how to move past the boredom I feel and onto things that will help me get what I want.
Do you ever feel this way? Do you ever have these difficult feelings? What have you tried to do to get through it? Let me know in the comments below.
My name is Austin. I am an artist. I am an art teacher. I am a gamer. I am a storyteller and a writer. I love my community, I love my friends and family, and I am on the Autism Spectrum. My favorite game to play with my friends is Magic the Gathering. My favorite video game to play is Spiral Knights. I am a Guild Master of my Spiral Knights Guild: Altosk. I am an avid Hearthstone player.My favorite food to eat is Mexican Food. Specifically Carne Asada Fries and California Burritos. I went to Art Center College of Design for college and graduated with a degree in Illustration.
header picture: Austin John Jones “A Prison of the Mind”