A collection of poetry and art by Nihilivonne
Off to the outside world, you dare!
Get out of the concrete box!
Quickly put on the full body mask,
no power for empathy.
Throw yourself protected by the dead in the swirl.
Even if the senselessness is clear,
today, manic-magical lie,
cheat on yourself and blame others,
that is the norm,
the eternal threads will make you dance
in the illusory worlds and plays.
So I drive through the paved anthill,
and wince between hierarchic battles and symbols.
The mask of competence meets the mask of happiness,
a healthy monkey would instinctively
want to disfigure that smile,
but I, human, apparently play along,
as a mirroring mask.
I can lie to you honestly
and can convert traumas into hypocrisy.
For fear of self-loss, no open reflection, please,
but eyes are sucking on and off.
unintentionally strong, a recognition.
The logical tragedy is revealed:
We all just want to escape from this
inescapable loneliness, it’s all a comfortable lie,
there are just genes and hormones,
and the great endless fear.
Through the desert without direction.
It’s a game, nothing more.
The sea is distant and the core is empty.
I never learn
because of the senseless.
I’m going to Utopia,
escaping is an addiction.
I´m enjoying it half-heartedly
crawling, tearing out,
I´m panicky trying to extend the time
that ceaselessly runs out of my veins
enslaving my thoughts,
building walls, fences, ditches.
The loudest is always right,
and all feelings are productively perverted,
and emotions are considered to be defective
unless they are diplomatically hypocritical.
But there is no way back to nature.
Put on the mask and do the monkey dance
through the desert without direction.
Existential Brain Fight
Tough, moldy pile of dust full of mites
which you rotate through space –
Yes, here I am, by accident.
Alas, only atoms and galaxies –
Abstraction and symbols, morality and ideologies,
good and evil, friendship, love,
delusions of bored people –
This naked, complex-filled animal that does not want to be animal
and thereby sits crouched in his concrete box, ill and fretful,
somewhere in the concrete anthill,
in front of and in all sorts of machines
to pretend fictitious reality / security / satisfaction.
The Roman Circus, still alive,
give me my bread and a new phone,
I give you my lifetime and produce, consume, vegetate for you.
Nothing changes, though tragically nothing is static …
therefore melancholy grows at the sight of the ocean.
Well, criticism of the outside world protects against self-criticism,
calls me out the voice of my shame.
However, I want more:
find rest, apply energy, be immortal,
everything at the highest possible speed forever.
But we hardly find peace,
we are banished from the Paradise of ignorance
we are happy hormone addicts with no prospect of mammoths or shamanic visions,
we just get poor substitutions.
Let’s dance in ecstasy
our only rescue from the gray stress of everyday life…
Endorphins, Pheromones, Dopamine – give it to me,
otherwise there is no justice,
only these physical laws and chemical processes.
Give me amnesia, because “just do not think about it” is the deviance of the majority
These lonely ones behind communal masks and poses
try to fool and impose normality,
we are all lonesome minds trapped in the head.
“Just do not think about it, then it works out with the neighbors!”
Hover over the general paranoia – “what are they thinking about me?”
while “who am I?” is dangerously neglected
and it is considered social, even exemplary
to lose oneself in too many false worlds and plays,
to indulge in many influences from peers like a puppet,
because we are all manipulated from birth and pressed into a wheel
until as an adult, as a maimed product of education.
we feel like slaughter cattle,
Depression, the impossibility of lying to oneself.
We are being pushed through existence by chaos theory
and only in terms of the food chain are we kings.
Now we feed on forests and concrete ulcers.
Parasitic symbols expressing monkeys,
deliberately raping murdering robbing torturing madmen in sheep’s clothing,
sometimes I could puke and would rather be a random tree..
Is that the natural course of things?
There is no good and no evil.
Therefore, to live, let us fill our brains
through honest expression and openness,
to kill the general lie.
Because adorable are the moments of flow
– then everything seems perfect,
inside and outside become complementary in a state of innocence,
every feeling that has a flooding effect,
and no worries or fears
strangle, destroy, pervert more the expression and the perception.
Yes, these are only extreme moments in the 4th dimension
but only shape moments stay stored,
form a past in the now and give an insight into the future.
I want a day at the seaside with friends in summer
and a horizon full of swallows forever,
because this is the smell of nostalgia, here and now.
Colored, surrealistic clouds without order
fly over our circle of disparate souls
And a strained laugh sounds suddenly,
it poisons this moment and divides us
but it can sound real in my head
– if I want to –
because in this lonely night, just silence, please.
So I can avoid to feel the strangers
with their shadows, splinters and screams.
I bend under the pressure
exerted by the pastel-colored air.
A skyscraper obscures the moon,
it’s time to go home.
Header Image: Nihilivonne “Me”
I´m a German/Spanish multidisciplinary autistic artist. My art – graphics, mixed media, prints, objet trouvé, videos, electronic music, poetry etc. – focusses mostly on the dark side of the human condition. I did several expositions in Germany and Spain, some in London, one in Moscow and Detroit so far and sold some stuff to people and TV Stations.
I am very interested in nature and science (especially space travel, robots and social science). I am sickened by the cruelty of human history and our (self-)destructive way of dealing with the environment, animals and fellow human beings. But I am nevertheless still amazed by the beauty of the universe and it´s tiny residents.
As a living and in line with my personal values – that art and education are essential to human well-being – I do art projects for socio-economically disadvantaged children. Currently I´m finishing my Master of Science Degree in Psychology, trying to learn new art techniques to expand my repertoire of expressive possibilities and working on my social projects. As I need time to recharge and because of my non-typical sleeping pattern, I do most of this in home-office with free time management.
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nihilivonne/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Dauerschlaf/
- Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/nihilivonne
- Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/787Gj2984PmdYfeHD6CvL9?si=wZAM2bvaSEKF1EEcmRq0Uw
Thank you for your artful descriptions and expressions of your journey.
Those of us who rise up from darkness with our heavy bodies, often find ourselves struggling with the physicality of this world, and we often ask ourselves: “Am I in the right world?” Somedays, just getting dressed, fed, and moving takes all the energy I have.
For example, I struggle with spastic musculature that can overcome me at the worst times, especially when I’m stressed, even just a little bit. In my youth I wanted to play baseball with the other guys, but it took me much longer to learn to use my body as well as they could. When I was finally good enough to play center field, I still had to deal with my stress that could overwhelm as soon as I saw the ball flying toward me…for me the hardest catch to make is ‘the easy one’ coming right at you.
The one thing that I’ve learned to turn to and rely on in my darkest hours, is the spirit of love. This generic, non-religious force comes to me when I call it by name anywhere, and it fills me with warm love energy, pushing out the cold darkness, giving me instant relief from: loneliness, fear, despair, confusion, etc..I believe it even changes my body by raising my physical vibration to a higher spiritual level each time I allow its energy to flush my body with love.
Thank you so much Steve for this perfect description: “spirit of love”.
Yes, I know this feeling, it makes life worth living.
You say “I believe it even changes my body by raising my physical vibration to a higher spiritual level ” – it reminds me of the “Overlook effect”, a feeling that astronauts that have been to space report when they come back to earth.
“for me the hardest catch to make is ‘the easy one’ coming right at you” – I can relate to that in so many levels…
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