My Apology to my Wife for not Accepting my Son’s Autism Diagnosis

Kasra reading a book with his mommy

The greatest harm in this world is caused by lack of love, understanding and positive attention.

By Kamran Amiri

Our beloved 4.5-year-old son is autistic. And it has taken a huge toll on our family. Not because of how he has been affected by autism, but because of the way I was.

I have been particularly ignorant about the autism spectrum and characteristics of a high-functioning autistic person. My wife, who has been more informed on the subject, noticed early signs in our son and had brought them to my attention. I was adamant her observations and interpretations of his behavior was incorrect and, at points, even delusional.

My ignorance and denial lasted for years, as did the stress and anguish it caused my wife. In fact, when we went to a specialist a few weeks ago, I opened the conversation with, “Doctor, I believe my wife is making things up in her head and worries for no reason.”

It was no surprise that my wife shut down. She quietly, yet very effectively, worked with our son on her own. I am ashamed of myself for being so ignorant and having caused this amazing mommy so much anxiety, insomnia, and unnecessary stress. All this agony was on top of the loss of our beloved first little dog in 2017. She was the cornerstone of our family, and we miss her every day.

My son Kasra with Kaya and our dog Shadi
My son Kasra with Shadi, my wife, and our beloved second dog Kaya

I have deeply, sincerely and repeatedly apologized to my lovely wife. But an apology is not enough.

In addition to taking full responsibility for my behavior, my goal now is to do everything I can to change course. And to share my experience in the hopes that no other family will have to go through the same thing.

Our son may be different from a typical child because he is autistic, but that doesn’t make him less than. He is not abnormal. He is atypical. He does not have anything that needs to be cured. He is wired differently. He runs on a different operating system.

In general, he is more interested in things than people. Social interactions, verbal communication, and maintaining eye contact are not his strong suits at this point. His strengths are many: He is super smart. He knew the solar system by age 2 and the periodic table at age 4. He has an astounding memory and is able to read and write in English, Farsi and some Spanish.

He is very good with math and geometry, science, visualization, imagination, and art. He knows any random number up to gazillion! He is highly visual, so communicating with him is more effective when you show instead of tell him things.

While there’s is nothing wrong with any person’s gender identity, sexual orientation, race or physical or mental challenges, women, LGBTQ, blacks, people with disabilities, and other minority groups have historically faced misunderstandings, degradation, mistreatments, segregation, exclusion, and discriminations. Animals, too, have often been abused or even killed for no other reason than simply because they exist.

I read somewhere that men are from Mars, women are from Venus and people with autism are from Pluto. The more a Martian understands a Venusian, the better he understands that women are about emotion and connection. The more a Venusian understands a Martian, the better she understands men are more about mission and direction. Where men seek to feel appreciated, women seek to feel heard, understood and supported.

The same applies to an autistic person – and any other minority group. The greatest harm in this world is caused by lack of love, understanding and positive attention. It’s caused by being unwanted, ridiculed, excluded, misunderstood and mistreated.

The more we are aware of the intricacies of each group, the better we can communicate. The more we love, understand and reach out to other living beings, the better our life experiences will be, both for us and every being around us.

As one of my favorite quotes says:
“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes – the ones who see things differently…. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things.”

I am convinced our son will change things. He will change the world. In fact, he already has. He’s affected a lot of people through discussions, opened up people’s minds and mindsets, and helped raise awareness about autism through this email we sent.

We will continue to do everything in our power to make sure he lives a balanced, fulfilled, purpose-driven life, that he grows and contributes, and touches many more people along the way.

I know our family is on a long journey. We will have many challenges to face, many lessons to be learned, many pearls of wisdom to be acquired, and many beautiful things to be experienced. I am grateful my eyes have finally been opened so I will not miss a moment of it.

Kamrin with his family

Whether he’s hard at work or home with family, Kamran brings passion to everything he does. His job as a Chief Brand Officer channels his passion for one-of-a-kind storytelling. His passion at home fuels his love of reading, learning, animals and speaking up for those who don’t have a voice of their own. Kamran lives in Irvine, California, with his amazing wife and equally amazing son and dog.

10 Comments

  • That’s fantastic that you are realising that autism isn’t a disease. Autism equips us with the ability to focus on detail rather than the bigger picture. Autistic people are a necessity in this world. We just need gentler handling. You mention your dog in equal terms to your son. Do you know that preferring animal company to human company is an Autistic trait? Your son has got his wiring from somewhere. Do you know which side of the family is likely? Could your rejection of your son’s diagnosis be partly fuelled by fear that he may get it from you? I hope you’re not offended by my enquiry. You only need to answer for yourself. I was diagnosed less than a month ago and it’s changed my life for the better. I have finally come to terms with who I am. I hope your journey to know your son helps you along your journey to know yourself too.

    • Hi Fleur,

      Thank you for your comments.

      I did not know that preferring animal company to human company is an autistic trait. But now that I think of it, it makes sense, because animals are non-judgment and there is no social anxiety and social expectations when having animal company.

      Regarding genetics, I suspect he gets the genes from me. And there is zero offense.

      I am glad you have been diagnosed at last. And yes, in the process of getting to know our son and autism even more, we become better, more inclusive, more accepting, less judgment, more loving, more understanding human beings.

  • I hope you get a chance to read “A Mommy, a Daddy, Two Sisters and a Jimmy: Autism and the Difference it Makes” sometime. From what you’ve written above, I think it would do good things for you and you’d connect to a lot of it. Written by the daddy.

  • Hi Kamran,

    I also have a son with autism who is very bright and has autism. He is a self taught locksmith (Starting at 5 years old) and a talented mathematician.

    I wanted to give you a resource if you have not already found it. We did years of different types of therapy and it stole so much time from my son’s childhood.

    Last year, I went to an amazing event in San Diego called Mozart and the Mind. It was all about embracing the giftedness of our children rather than trying to “normalize” them. It created such a shift in my perspective. I then discovered the 2e community. 2e means twice exceptional, which is the term used to describe kids like ours, uniquely gifted and challenged at the same time.

    I then attended a one week program, Study with the Masters, held by Bridges Academy in Los Angeles, where I learned so much about gifted education and how 2e kids can be supported to thrive. Bridges Academy is a private school that caters exclusively to 2e children for gifted education.

    Also, I am a member of an online organization, Bright and Quirky. If you sign up, you will have access to all the experts in gifted education to help you develop your son’s talents. they hold all kinds of talks and live q/a events. There is a wealth of knowledge there.

    If you have not explored these resources yet, I cannot encourage you enough to seek them out.

    I wish the best to your family and son.

    • Hi Amanda,

      Thanks for taking the time to write to us.

      It is so cool that your son is a self-taught locksmith! I love it!

      We also attended Mozart and the Mind. It was really amazing. We experienced a major shift in our perspectives as well. My wife and I were crying almost the whole time.

      We are beginning to look into 2e community. How do we join the community? We attended a S.T.E.M. Academy innovation fair in Irvine, CA in October.

      Regarding Bridges Academy, I just talked to Kim Vargas, and she knows you! Thanks for this.

      On Bright and Quirky, are you referring to joining the Idea Lab, or email list? They seem to have a waitlist at the moment for the Idea Lab at the moment.

      It would be great if we could have a quick chat. My number is 714-906-1026.

      Thanks very much for your time, support, and referrals.

      Kamran and Shadi

  • Hi Amanda,

    Thanks for taking the time to write to us.

    It is so cool that your son is a self-taught locksmith! I love it!

    We also attended Mozart and the Mind. It was really amazing. We experienced a major shift in our perspectives as well. My wife and I were crying almost the whole time.

    We are beginning to look into 2e community. How do we join the community? We attended a S.T.E.M. Academy innovation fair in Irvine, CA in October.

    Regarding Bridges Academy, I just talked to Kim Vargas, and she knows you! Thanks for this.

    On Bright and Quirky, are you referring to joining the Idea Lab, or email list? They seem to have a waitlist at the moment for the Idea Lab at the moment.

    It would be great if we could have a quick chat. My number is 714-906-1026.

    Thanks very much for your time, support, and referrals.

    Kamran and Shadi

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