I Am Becoming

By David Wilson

I am not sure what I should say on this website. I do feel like I should say something. Within the auspices of this ‘place’ I can only claim to be neurodivergent with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

I believe that I am myself and am the way I am because it is “who” I am at this phase of my spiritual evolution.

We are all spiritual beings. If we are not, what on earth would we be? We cannot be mere biophysical, diet-powered machines! Intelligence is the revealing aspect of people… that we are psycho-physical because we are spiritual.

In my life I have gone through a lot of doubt. Uncertainties are part of trying to understand. It seems people generally are sensitive or apprehensive about acknowledging our spirituality. So, what is spirituality?

The very onset of anyone’s being is spiritual… that who and what we are is spirit or soul, modicums of God.

So, what is God then, since we are extensions of It? The best answer to this is that God is Self, ie. Self-dom Itself: Sheer Self, all Self, and Self Only.

“I am that I am.”

It is not separately existing and is effulgent. Humans are effulgent, accordingly. Most typically, we humans see ourselves as physical selves. We also tend to regard ourselves as separate beings, one from another. We have ‘defined’ ourselves, usually because it is a convention to do so.

I don’t like calling myself an artist or a schizophrenic person. Should I care what people think of me? I do care. I don’t like to be misunderstood or labeled.

I am thinking of relationship to, and with, others. All sorts of different correspondence occurs. “ No woman or man is an island.”

To get into art school I had to write a brief paper about ‘why’ I wanted to attend that university.

David Wilson Crucifixion
David Wilson Crucifixion

I wrote about communion and my need for it. We are sensitive and we must share. It may be because Love exists that we are impelled to share. Love will not be denied. One way or another, we each correspond with our fellow men and women, our brothers and sisters.

Why is this difficult for so many of us? Why is there fearing among us? I am not sure and this uncertainty ‘colors’ my art.

I even feel like apologizing for my own fearing. Perhaps that’s what I do when I am painting. Apologizing.

Art by David Wilson
Art by David Wilson

I have exhausted my ‘wisdom’. Once I admit fearing, I am done! I believe fearless living is possible but haven’t accomplished it. Maybe, one day, in another lifetime I will. Even this is ‘another lifetime’! There will be more!

David Wilson

I am an ordinary Canadian person who tended to be uncertain about his place in this world. Drawing and painting are the main things I like to do. It is so nice to be able to do something that is not controlled by others.

I lived in Ontario and British Columbia (Canada) and in California. I graduated from high school with honors and went briefly to Mount Allison University in New Brunswick. While there, a nervous breakdown caused me to quit and return home to Ottawa.

As a very young boy of 3 to 4 years of age I had experienced manipulation and perverse activity that I didn’t disclose. I suppressed it and it seems my adolescence was affected by it. (One dies not transcend what one obscures.) I used the popular drugs (1960’s) , ran away from home and attempted suicide repeatedly. I had psychiatric help but still the underlying problem remained hidden, even from me.

Having returned to drug use in the summer of 1971, I ran into an appearance, a visit, from Jesus and participated in a spiritual experience of my relatedness with God, the ecstatic, eternal Self and all-inclusive Oneness.
I quit drugs except for cigarettes and occasional alcohol. By 1976 I voluntarily acknowledged God and an aspect of peace ensued.

By 1981, I was diagnosed ‘schizophrenic’ and government financial aid enabled me to get off the streets and have a bed and a door that locked! I had been homeless for 5 years.

Since then I have worked at my art. I married in 1998 to a wonderful woman from Florida who also believed in God in a comparable way. She wrote to God and God responded!

My wife left her body in 2016 but is with me still, particularly through my psychic friend, ‘B’. Much of me looks forward to leaving my own body, but that ‘due date’ remains undetermined. I am 70 now, and am stymied as to my art and what to do with it.

Header Art: David Wilson Michelangelo’s Harley Davidson Sonata

6 Comments

  • Beautiful stream of consciousness from you- thank you! Keep allowing yourself to become- you know what you are doing!! The Art The Art is soooo important- keep it coming and allow it to rest. All is good!! ❤️

    • Thank you, Jude. As per your comment, it reminds me of my best and first psychiatrist’s words: “Let yourself be.” He would say this from time to time. Same as your “allowing”. Art is indeed important and a joy for art lovers. I am having a hard time, though, finding ways of sharing, showing. I don’t do it for money, but I do need response. I met a psychotherapist friend online who also gives tours in art shows. One time she was doing a tour and after it was over, one of the tourists revealed himself, sand disguise, to be David Hockney. He had wanted to observe, incognito, the responses of others. I think I am like that. And, yes, in spite of appearances, “all is good”.

  • Wow, what beautiful writing and art work, truly beautiful.
    I love how honest you are about your journey.
    As far as what to do with your art, put it out for the world to see, to witness that there is so much more to a person than the labels we all have on us. God bless.

    • Hi Laurie. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. I might as well be honest at my age of 70 years. When I am gone, it would be too late! Blessings accepted and returned!

    • Thank you, Cindy. Sharing this way felt valuable as I did it. If we don’t share, we’re not there! I do appreciate your comment!!

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