Katherine Lochhead

Inside the Manic Mind

By Kathy Lochhead

I’d like to tell you a bit about myself.
It is the reason I’ve retreated from love itself.
I try not to complain about the hand I was dealt
I’ve even enjoyed some of the ups and downs that I’ve felt.
But in my heart there’s so much pain that I’ve held
Sometimes I just cry out for help.

There is a war going on inside of me.
If you could envision the image it would be wild to see.
Like, for example, it doesn’t matter if you are nice to me
Or how many times that you have wined and dined me
My mind will tell me that you’ve lied to me.
That it’s time to flee.

I see a demon, I feel beaten, think of leaving, trying to reason
but the figure inside just grows
You seem evil, plain deceitful, though not real these thoughts are lethal
Even though my mind it knows
It’s all delusions, straight up confusion, I have no conclusions
This is seclusion

A barrier between me and the people I love.
A restraint that I desire to be free of.
An enclosure I will break thru, soon enough…
Though it will be tough.

For instance…
How do you solve a problem in your mind when your mind is designed to be problematic?
It’s like trying to solve an algebraic equation without using mathematics.
I try to balance my emotions but my behaviour is erratic, my mind craves chaos and instability, just like I am an addict.
But I’ve had it
with being dramatic, it’s time for a change
I have come up with some ways:
Like to increase my focus I can slow down my pace.
Take some extra time to myself for a few days
Exercise, do yoga, and meditate
Everything I need to do, well it can wait
‘Til my mind is straight

But now how do I discern the real from the imaginary?
Because not knowing the difference can be really scary.
I’ve got to admit though,
the idea of coming down’s got me really very wary.
Like, What if my creativity and intellectualism become the contrary?

How does one become excited about reducing their excitement;
Sacrificing energy, elevated mood, and feeling enlightened?
A part of me wants stability but I’m frightened. What if I give it all up for balance and I can’t find it?
I Guess I’ll try it
I might even like it – Maybe I’ll be surprised
Could be a blessing in disguise
A way to see the world through a new set of eyes
A whole new realm for me to realize
An entirely new set of opportunities might arise
Maybe I’ll even find the kind of love that never dies
If I just let go of these highs…